A great relationship will reveal your most deeply buried material that is in need of healing. This is because it provides a container of safety for you to process and transcend to a fuller expression of your authentic being. We need relationships to see ourselves so that we can better ourselves. Relationships require hard work, commitment to truth, openness, vulnerability, self-worth, self respect, dedication to you and your partner’s personal and relational evolution and more.
Here are some conceptual re-frames that will help you create and land in a grounded and reality based relationship :
1. Your partner is your friend – not your fantasy.
The notion that “the person of your dreams” will come and make everything better is a big hurdle that all of us must conquer in order to have a great relationship. This is a set up for a fall later on because no relationship can flourish while you are putting your beloved on a pedestal. Sooner or later, they will disappoint you by not living up to the fantasy. This is inevitable because your partner is a human being, not a servant to an illusion. Taking this hollywood lie out of the picture in your relationship will help you to actually be present to who your partner really is and who you are in relation to him/her. It will help you to truly see and love the person in front of you and releases the both of you from the confines of a conceptual distortion.
2. Be consistent in asking your self and your partner, “Is this a present time emotion? Or is it from the past?”
Often times, there is a real present time dilemma that needs to be dealt with but it gets super charged and feels confusing because a trigger from your past has over-layed it with the charge from your past. Usually, if there is an impasse or disagreement, it is because both partners have a real time present day need to communicate and resolve but BOTH are triggered and can’t see their way through it with compassion and clarity. Just by asking yourself the above question, doing the internal detective work, and seeing the internal situation for what it is, will discharge and alleviate the situation substantially. This is not about pointing fingers at yourself or your partner. It is about getting to the bottom of things together so that you can both create win~win resolutions.
3. Use loving, respectful and compassionate timing and language.
Respectful timing is choosing the appropriate time to bring up a charged topic. Tune into yourself and your partner to get a sense of whether they AND you are in a space to look at and examine a challenging issue. Sometimes, it seems that there is never the right moment, and you need to bring it up when you can, but you will have more successful outcomes when you take a moment and observe your state and theirs. If your partner seems to have a lot going on at the moment, it probably may be more effective to wait for a window when they aren’t already stressed out (or when you aren’t already stressed out) in relation to another issue.
Respectful language is about using loving, clear and kind words. Before you communicate with your partner check your word choice, language and TONE. Is it: Non blaming? Unifying – “We are in this together?” Non Judgmental? Positive? Hopeful? Offering Solutions? Loving – “I care about you?”
Having these qualities in your language will create openings and minimize substantially, the shut down that comes along with hurt feelings. On the other side of this, when you are approached by your partner in regards to a change they would like you to make, you get very vulnerable and it is very easy to feel attacked. If your partner is not choosing the best language and tone, he/she may be coming from a place of hurt or victimization. The best thing to do is remind yourself that while he/she has good intentions, they could probably use some instruction on how you would like them to ask you to change in the future. Kindly, educate them on what language and tone work best for you. Your loved ones want you to teach them how you would like them to treat you.
Wishing you bountiful relationship bliss.
Gabriella Espinosa
Questions and comments are most welcome.
Pure Soul Alchemy 